


me & ur ghost

by the_One_Youve_Been_Waiting_For



Category: Hamilton - Fandom
Genre: Alcohol, Angst, Cheating, Depression Medication, Did I mention angst, M/M, Memories, Screaming, Unhappy Ending, break ups, dead mom mention, i fricken love angst, implied sex, present to past back to present
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-03-14
Updated: 2020-03-14
Packaged: 2021-03-01 01:35:45
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,565
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23137045
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/the_One_Youve_Been_Waiting_For/pseuds/the_One_Youve_Been_Waiting_For
Summary: Alexander can’t seem to get rid of him. Or his ghost.
Relationships: Alexander Hamilton/Thomas Jefferson, JAMILTON, alexander/thomas
Comments: 2
Kudos: 23





	me & ur ghost

**Author's Note:**

> Please comment haha :)) So.  
> Basically, every fic I write is going to be based around a song. For example, this fic is based around blackbear‘s song “Me & ur ghost”. 
> 
> If you guys have any song requests for Alexander and Thomas please let me know :). This is my first fic, let’s see how this goes.

Alexander huffed and whimpered as he dropped his head back against the pillow as Thomas collapsed beside him. He’d thought he had more self control than this but according to the flowering purple marks on his neck and the already aching of his scalp, that was just one more lie he had told himself. 

He really didn’t have one ounce of dignity left in his entire body. John called it a lack of self control. 

Thomas, who was lighting a joint he insisted was medical, seemed entirely content with himself. And why shouldn’t he?

Alexander scowled and sat up straight. “Alright, out.”

Thomas pressed his lips around the rolled paper and chucked lightly. He closed his eyes and slowly exhaled, a cloud of smoke pushing past his slightly swollen lips. 

“Darlin’. You know I need a second after we do something like that.” Thomas shook his head lightly like it was common knowledge which, in his defense, was to Alex.

Alexander groaned and pushed a hand through the waft of smoke coming near him, 

“And if I’d known that would mean stinking up the room with weed I would never have allowed it.”

“Well how lucky for you this is one of the very few times we’ve gone home to yours instead of mine” Thomas smiled and gave him a look led to Alex as if Thomas were inviting him over to his in that moment.

Alex scoffed and kicked the covers back, grabbing his boxers, “Get the hell out of my house, I’m done.”

Alex could hear Thomas chuckle again from over his shoulder and reach around through Alex’s nightstand. Thomas was acting so domestic, like he belonged here, like he fit so perfectly into Alexander’s life. And a month ago, that was true. Alex’s blood began to boil. He hadn’t missed this Thomas. The one who acted like a dick before they ever started dating. 

Thomas stood up and stretched, tugging on his sweatpants, “Mind if I use your shower? This time of night the traffic can get pretty heavy and I don’t feel like wait-“

Alexander growled and slammed his hands against the wall, feeling a quick pang of remorse for his neighbors before complete and utter rage overtook him again. 

“Get the fuck out!”

Thomas looked at him and Alexander could see there was genuine hurt in his eyes. Like that want the exact opposite of what he was expecting.

“But.. Baby, I-“

“Get the fuck out of my apartment! Now! Leave!” Alexander screamed and flung the bedroom door open for emphasis.

After the initial shock of sudden aggression, Thomas eyed him lazily. Alex tried not to think about how that was Thomas’ tell to trying to act like he didn’t care. “ _You_ , asked _me_ here Alexander.” Thomas narrowed his eyes and shook his head.

“You don’t get to act all pissy when you’re the one texting me asking me to come over.”

“I get to do whatever the hell I want!” Alexander screamed as Thomas glared. “And now I’m telling you! Get out!” 

Thomas clenched his jaw tight before grabbing his jacket and making a point to stomp past Alex and slam the front door shut, making the walls rattle.

Alex was left with the deafening silence before hearing Thomas’ car roar to life and screech out of earshot.

Alex felt the all too familiar feeling of a breakdown clawing at his throat as his eyes started to tear. He slowly slid his back down the door and began to sob uncontrollably into his knees.

It was stupid. It was so so stupid. Why was he so so stupid. He hadn’t seen Thomas in months, what was he doing? Was he that pathetic? So pathetic that he calls Thomas fucking Jefferson of all people to come and keep him company for the night? No. Not that pathetic. Even worse; he hadn’t even let him stay the whole night.

“Shhh, hey, come on now, you know how I don’t like that.” That familiar, soothing voice mumbled and wrapped his arms around Alex’s shoulders.

Alex cried harder into his chest and clutched to Thomas’ shoulder blades.

“You’re not alone, sweetheart, I’m right here, I’m right here with you.”

Alexander quieted as Thomas smoothed down the back of his head. He opened his eyes and through his blurry vision spotted the orange bottle on his nightstand. He’d forgotten to take those today. Thomas turned and reached for them, knowing exactly what Alex was looking at.

Alexander mumbled a thank you before tilting his head back and swallowing the pills dry. The room was quiet for awhile. The distant sound of traffic and people shouting from the sidewalk. Alex breathed in a shaky breath before sighing.

“I really thought that I’d learned my lesson with him.”

Thomas frowned but rubbed Alex’s back anyways, “Well, did you do what I told you?” He asked, referring to the conversation they’d had a few days ago.

“You were there Thomas, we burned the shirts and clothes he left here together.”

“And did you delete his number from your phone?”

“Yes.”

Thomas gave him a disbelieving look. “You know I live here too right? Heard everything that happened? You texted him?”

Alexander sighed and sat against the door. “I.. have his number memorized.”

Thomas sighed and stood to his feet. “You can’t text him! Alex, I thought we were getting somewhere!”

“It’s only been a few months okay! I miss him!” Alex threw his hands up and brought his knees close to his chest, “I know it’s wrong okay? I just miss him, I miss him so much.”

Thomas gave him a once over and rolled his eyes. “Alex. He. Cheated. On you.” Thomas said so plainly as if Alex was not already very aware of that. Alex flinched as he kept going.

“You don’t talk to him for months and then one night out of now where you call him over asking to fuck! What was he supposed to think?”

Alex bit the inside of his cheeks. He knew it was crazy. He knew he was crazy. Delusional even. Knew it wasn’t fair despite everything to text Thomas like nothing was wrong and ask him to come over. Knew it was wrong to not even speak before dragging Thomas into his apartment and start kissing him. Knew it was wrong to text him at all much less sleep with him.

Alex sighed deeply and poured himself a glass of whiskey that he definitely didn’t need. He’s already had three glasses tonight anyway. “I love him.”

Thomas rolled his eyes and sighed, “you need to stop drinking.”

Alexander smiled bitterly and huffed. Every time he thought about Thomas made him want to drink. Which was more of a constant really. And how could he not? The past year had been filled with Thomas. Every single day was Thomas. Every memory, reference, breath, was Thomas.

_***_  
_“Thomas!” Alexander laughed as Thomas came through the door, picked him up into his arms, spun them in a circle and kissed him lovingly before setting his feet back on the ground._

_“I’m so proud of you” Alex beamed as Thomas smiled down at him, taking his hands in his. They were only a few inches away from being pressed together, if Alex wanted to, he could stand on his tippy toes and press a kiss to his boyfriend’s lips. But he knew where that might lead, and they had dinner plans._

_“I couldn’t have done this without you,” Thomas cupped Alex’s cheek and rubbed his thumb against Alex’s cheek bone, making Alex’s heart flutter._

“ _Sure you would have.” Alex blushed and matched his boyfriend’s warm, loving smile. “You’re the best actor I’ve ever seen, it was only a matter of time some director recognized your talent for what it was.”_

_“I love you, Alexander.” Thomas smiled, and then gently pulled him into a kiss._

_Alex smiled lovingly and kissed back. Those words were not easy to say. For both of them. It was months of dating before either of them could muster up enough courage to say them, but eventually, it had been Thomas to say them first._

_Alex hummed softly and pulled back, making Thomas chase the kiss a bit, Alex laughed and pushed Thomas’ chest lightly. “Go on, get ready. Reservations at eight.”_

_Thomas sighed dramatically like Alexander had somehow ruined the mood and grumbled something about it as well._

_Alexander shook his head softly and took the coat Thomas had dropped on the counter when he walked in into his apartment. Alex realized the phone inside the pocket and unzipped it and took it out before hanging up the jacket._

_Alexander was about to set the phone on the counter when a text alert appeared on the screen. Alex merely glanced at it out of curiosity, it was probably Gilbert or James sending him a text of congratulations but what he saw made his brows pull together._

_The contact name wasn’t saved and though Alex could have chalked it up as a wrong number, the text below wasn’t any of any spam caller he’d ever seen._

_‘Congrats. Busy later? We should celebrate.’_

_Alexander frowned as he clicked on the_ _number, drawing the Iphone’s password keypad. Alex felt a little bad knowing Thomas’ password, but he only noticed it because he saw Thomas changing his password right after asking for confirmation about Alex’s birthday._

_Alex had thought it was sweet, changing his password to his birthday, but the sentiment did little to calm his neves as he typed in the numbers._

_The number’s conversation appeared and Alex scrolled up a little to see what was up. It didn’t take long to reach the beginning of the text conversation and Alex saw that it had started about a month ago. The forest text read simply_ ‘Hey.’

_Followed by Thomas’ response, ‘hey.’_

_As Alex scrolled down he felt a little relieved. Looked like it was just some friend from work. Probably a co worker or someone he would run lines over with._

_Alexander’s blood froze though and he had to reread the text over and over before his mind could comprehend what it said._

_‘You know I don’t like begging, but you need to stay the night again. I can’t get you off my mind.’_

_‘Now darling, you know I can’t do that.’_

_‘At least meet me tomorrow after 11am shooting, I’ll leave my dressing room_ _unlocked?’_

_‘If you’re good.’_

_Alex’s shoulders began to shake as he reread those texts over and over, refusing to scroll down any farther, afraid of what he’d find._

_Thomas came back dressed in a suit and walked right past Alex who was standing still as stone._

_“Baby, have you seen my Rachelle’ anywhere?”_

_Alex swallowed as his entire body began_ _to shake. He could feel so many emotions crashing over him, hurt, betrayed, anger- no, absolute fury._

_Despite all these emotions, his voice just came out level and sounded.. Well, not like him._

_“You know I don’t like begging, but you need to stay the night again. I can’t get you off my mind.”_

_Alex watched as Thomas’ brow furrowed as he rummaged through one of the kitchen cabinets._  
_“What?”_

_“Now darling, you know I can’t do that.” Alexander spat as he leaned against the counter, Thomas’ phone still unlocked and in his hand._

_Thomas looked up at him in confusion, finally._

_Him and Alex made direct eye contact as Thomas finally noticed his phone in Alex’s hands, “At least meet me tomorrow after_ _11am shooting, I’ll leave my dressing room unlocked?“_

_Alex could only assume that Thomas’ entire world was absolutely shattering from the way he stared at him._

_“No. Alex, I-“_

_“You.” Alex swallowed and pointed at him, chuckling darkly. “Don’t get to speak.”_

_“Baby-“ Thomas walked towards him, reaching out._

_“Don’t you fucking touch me.” Alexander growled so level that Thomas actually stopped._

_“How fucking long have you been-“_

_“Alex, please I-“_

_“Fuck you!” Alex screamed as he threw Thomas’ phone at him. “Fuck you!”_

_The phone landed between them and shattered, Thomas didn’t even flinch. “Fuck you! Fuck you, fuck you..” Alex dropped his back down the edge of the_ _counter as he erupted into a violent fit of sobs._

_He was so damn stupid so damn stupid. It was right there this whole time and he didn’t suspect a thing. This is what he got for going soft. This is what he got for opening up to someone, for being vulnerable, by letting someone in. This is what he got. He knew better. He knew better. He knew-_

_****_  
_Alex didn’t know how he had gotten home. He remembered Thomas crying beside him, grabbing his shoulders and_ sc _reaming words Alex’s brain had chosen not to remember and running out of Thomas’ apartment. He must have called for a taxi and passed out when he got through the door._

_That would explain why he was on the kitchen floor. Or maybe the bottle next to him did. It didn’t matter._

_Alex clutched his head and winced, not able to tell if he had hit his head on the floor or was dehydrated from all the crying._

_Again, it didn’t matter._

_Alex finally stood, recognizing that he_ _was drunk, decided to drink A few cups of water to level out. Thomas appeared beside him and leaned against the counter._

_Alex’s eyes widened with rage and hurt as he began screaming at him again. Filled with ‘how the fuck did you get into my house’, ‘get the fuck out’ and many other crippling insults._

_This Thomas just stared and shook his head, “it’s not really me Alex. I’m not real.”_

_Alex blinked a few times, unable to register what was just said._

_“I’m in your head.”_

_Alexander thought for a second. This wasn’t the first time this had happened. When he was a child, he could remember instances when he was in a dark place seeing his mother. John thought that it was a way his brain dealt with issues, a self projection Out of pure survival since even it knew Alex would push his feelings too far down to reach._

_“I don’t want to look at you.” Alex sniffled._

_This Thomas shrugged. “Don’t look then.”_

_Alex scoffed. It not only sounded and looked but behaved like Thomas. But_ _maybe this wasn’t the worst thing. He was able to talk about his issues concerning his mother with her, maybe he could do the same with Thomas.  
_***

“Have you tried deleting all his photos off your phone?” Thomas rolled his eyes and gazed over his shoulder at him.

The thought had occurred to Alex and he had, he still had some videos of them though. He couldn’t bring himself to delete them. Their trip to Italy, their one year anniversary, random videos of Thomas from his Snapchat story. 

“You don’t know how hard it is to forget him.” Alex choked out and could feel himself start to cry again.

Thomas looked him over with sympathy.   
“You’ll be okay, ya know.” He said after awhile.

Alex shook his head and continued to cry. He looked up and Thomas was gone. 

He was alone.

Again.

He just wanted to forget everything. Forget Thomas completely. Forget every time he told him he loved him. But he couldn’t.

He was stuck there. Stuck in his memories. Stuck with his ghost.


End file.
